Dead or Sleeping

we both know where this is going. & yet, what is there to do about it. my fingers smell of nicotine & your flesh. dirty flesh. that’s all.

i wait silent on the couch. you tell her you have ‘company.’ last night’s rendez-vous bullshit reduced to this. it’s enough to make anyone sick.

i love you too, you say before hanging up with her. &i don’t doubt that you do. love her, that is.

but you confuse me. use me, probably. you know i like you too much to stop it though i could if i tried hard enough. &yes i stayed with you that night before. rubbing elbows with rain drenched window panes & kissing your pillow. you bruised my heart but it’s so black by now anyway, it’s of no matter.

and that night i dreamt that the world ended– the burning & satan’s men came down upon us like wildfire. it only grows with the wind. there was nothing we could do. death was upon us like an unwanted gift.

i must admit i was disappointed when i woke to find us in one piece.

i said no but he did not stop. pulling at fabric. hair dancing though i couldn’t feel it. bleeding heart. i wanted to cry but had forgotten how. my silence. in the end it doesn’t add up. i hate myself. i don’t blame him. i blame the whore that i have become.

almost brave. not quite there.