god the ways i dream of you. not in sleep, but somewhere halfway there- the moon bright out the window, clear in a way that seems like it could almost be touchable. how afraid i am. to the very core. i broke down two nights ago; lay for at least twenty minutes on the kitchen floor sobbing aloud. the full moon night. you weren’t here. i wasn’t angry with you, i said later, but angry with myself for being angry at all. just the caring at all is terrifying in itself. so deep. rivers that flow through veins in so many directions it’s more like consumption: could it be real? i’m too scared of the expectations so i move on. just breathe; try to breathe for the moment itself instead of always thinking ahead.
and how i held you this morning; too many distractions & the fan moving slow overhead, kissing your forehead softly. how natural it felt and right. how maybe i could never tell you. the way your eyes melt me to the very soul of anything i could possibly be or become- as though we are right there together. everything is complete. “your persistent hand & how we gnaw at the barrier because we are two.” i might be lying if i said i thought i hadn’t felt this way before but you are so different nothing else even comes close. how closed off i was before you. how sad & hopeless; completely given up on the entire notion of love or anything in relation.
i cook you breakfast with so much care. i like the person i am with you. that’s something i haven’t really known before.
and maybe it’s the way that you make me laugh, too of course- as though i am laughing for the first time in my life; a laugh i didn’t know i possessed. to be so happy and yet still so frightened is paralyzing at times & there are moments where i feel i might be subconsciously setting myself up for a painful suffocation of the heart all over again.
and yet how it feels almost strangely innocent with you even though at times we are anything but- i long to take care of you. hold you. make you so happy. possession. love. maybe there is no difference. i would never say the word ‘love’ to you. or at least…
i try not to everyday. i’m not sure what any of it means. all i know is that daily you tell me you want me for your own and deep down i want nothing more in the world but i am still scared beyond belief to belong to anyone, in any way,