Me & My Self Destruction

ONE MILLIGRAM.

Monday morning, the earth tilting
in god’s rocking palms
like a baker
& his bread.
Your scent hangs in the air.
Lays upon the sheets
which we call our own. Dawn breaks.
A bird outside the window sings a morning song
& i lean in for one more line.

TWO MILLIGRAMS.

Summer hangs on the atmosphere
heavy, likes bees honey.
i love you less now.
our love was daring,
once. but your beauty was a lie.
so cold
was my heart
yet i could no longer feel it.
The razor pulls deeper.
Blood will stain my pillowcases
again tonight. Don’t remember this.
Forget we kissed here, ever–
release me from your nightmares; FORGET that we ever had
something.
i will bleed for you again.
there is no other
way now.

THREE MILLIGRAMS.

Tonight we drink our bourbon straight.
It warms, fills my soul
to the very brim
of my petty existence.
You say you don’t believe in angels
but i don’t believe in you.
We pour shots, smoke cigarettes to pass time
while all the while
the tired sun lets out
one last breath.
(DON’T LISTEN TO ME.)
I vomit on schedule.
I’m loud but you don’t care.
The itching is growing,
growing.
One day, we say,
we will leave.

FOUR MILLIGRAMS.

You use me.
Then again
i’m not one to stop you.
You’ll hold me back, push me down
like the dirty lover you are.
Never understanding touch–
never really allowing it.
I say, it doesn’t matter.
You can’t see it my way.
Do not call me tomorrow looking for
the promise of sex
or what you call “love.”
Use me because you can,
because my heart’s already broken anyway:
because i am ruining myself
for him. HORRIBLE LOVE.
more like suicide. we can never
be the same.

FIVE MILLIGRAMS.

Swallow the pills
one-by-one. They go better that way.
Faster, before you lose your nerve!
This is how it
should be– a clever end
to a fevered beginning.
Flashes; pictures of you
i push to the side;
you won’t feel it now.
The bottle has emptied herself.
Don’t look at me.
This is no longer important.
Lily ponds & gentle summer kisses–
but no, I’ll dial for death. SHAKE!
White hospital beds have never
stung quite so much.
In my head
i die every night.
It’s all in fairness.

SIX MILLIGRAMS.

We followed the highway
to the ocean that January thereafter.
i had no suitcase
but i was ready.
Narrow streets lined with those
brave palm trees, soldiers
climbing up the sky like forever.
que sera.
we ran away from everything that tender year.
California makes me feel alive again;
The breezy caress of the sea
hungry seagulls
& never-ending pier.
Bleached surfer boys slide
upon the waves like sea lions. You don’t love me
anymore.
i tried to forget your birthday
that year.

SEVEN MILLIGRAMS.

We don’t belong.
Nosebleeds again for the
third time today.
This room is cold but
our bodies cannot feel it anymore.
You pass me the mirror.
My reflection grows
into an ugly
death monster with faraway eyes.
Addiction has infested somewhere
deep inside this bleeding soul.
I pull it inside to stop the pain
for a little while ; white powder
another nosebleed
It is a lover to me;
something deeper, meaningful, & sensual
in my eyes. You couldn’t ever understand:
this is madness of the fittest.
We love no one but this
white savior;
that old trick.
Love is replaced.