September 17, 2013

Warm rain falls quickly, ricocheting off the windshield like a light show. I throw the car into reverse, hear the scraping as the front of it moves off the parking block, throw it into park. It’s Tuesday. A rainy Tuesday, the gray sky heavy, leaking down over the city. I turn the key in the ignition, hearing the car whir to a stop. Engine off. I have no umbrella.

This is going to suck, I say aloud to the front seat and my collection of cigarette butts. I run through the rain in heels, a rarity for me. My hair is pulled up high and tight,
which makes this all a lot easier at the very least. I’m tired. It’s Tuesday, early in the week but these days, the weekdays aren’t so punctuated anymore. As usual, I am late, though on the drive in, I took a stab at justification with myself. It’s raining. You can’t drive fast in the rain. This car is pretty old. But, no. Of course I knew the rain was
coming; should’ve been on time. The funny thing is, is that no one will say anything or even seem to notice. Even so, I will beat myself up about it all day.
It’s a routine.

Sitting finally at my desk, I am wet with rainwater and cold. Waiting on the computer to power up, I stagger in my high heels to the coffee machine. Wait. More waiting. A
cup of coffee is my prize, and i bring it back to my desk, silently. I stare down into it, the previous night’s dreams washing over me again. Dark dreams. Faces I’d prefer to leave behind, or better yet, to never have known at all. The chubby girl with freckles who hurt me, made fun of me to my coworkers, in my past life. The boy with the clear blue eyes- so icy they stung- even as I confronted him weeks ago, drunkenly in the restaurant across the street, begging him for a clear answer as to why he’d ran away. But those eyes, they just killed me. “You’re still so beautiful,” I’d whined, tears forming in my eyes as I leaned over the bar, losing balance. He must’ve seen what he did to me. He’d have to be stupid not to. Then again, he’d have to be stupid to do this to me, I would’ve thought before it all happened. I push them away. They’re gone. Much more important things at stake now- or is that right? One can never tell. A question without an answer. The lights in the office flickered, heavy machinery sounds whirring down around me. But no, they held up.
And there is always work to do.

I make it through the day easily enough, despite my frequent bouts of disillusion and desperation. I clung to the phone midday, sucking down a cigarette, listening to the
ringing. Calling my mother. She’s at work but she always answers, no matter where she is- she knows how I am. Unstable, she would probably say in a quiet voice to her
coworkers when describing me, her eldest daughter. So intelligent, so creative, but so unstable. It doesn’t hurt me to think of this, because I know she’s right.

She’s the only one who can calm me down in these moments sometimes it seems, but today, there is no answer. I wait awhile and then try again.