asleep with grendel

i woke up into black, that morning. the sun, still sleeping, did not notice. This was not hell, but earth; the truth defended itself, arguing with me in the darkness. And then i saw, as i felt him, breathing heavy beside me. He was lost inside his evil dreams, and so i sat, silently—the persephone to his hades. i did not know this then. I was the victim that gave the murderer his gun.

i wanted to die, then.

Lust—it was, & nothing more. A sin of this dirty world—thus i was in hell. The curtains slipped into the shadows & gave in to the wind, tangling themselves. A savage moon was the only light there was, hanging high above our world of dirt. it
sang in tune with my bent heart, just like piano music. i turned & looked to his face again, barely lit with the moon’s shallow light. i would never know his love, i knew—but still i was driven by some deep sorrow i could not explain: an overwhelming sort of suffocation inside of my soul that drowned me more with each passing day. it was a horrible love.

the sun began to rise in the sky like a million glowing diamonds, and i took my place next to him. A mattress, a pillow, worn sheet. my heart began to slow down, pacing only softly. next to me, i felt him rustle & then pull me close. he pushed himself into me hard & i drew in my breath, sharp in my black lungs. the world outside the window sill burned with the sky’s fire & still, my heart was frozen. His breath fast, as our bodies banged against one another’s like machines—impersonal, quick. & then, it was over.

He sat, lighting a cigarette behind me. i didn’t move—there really was no point. he blew his smoke out harsh, forming a wispy cloud around me.

“will you hold me?”

my voice sounded hollow in the empty, white room. the sun was a fried egg now. he didn’t speak for a moment, & then i heard him sigh.

“yeh, i’ll hold you.”

And there were his arms, around me again, just like i’ve always wanted. the illusion of security. i felt his lips on my earlobe gently. “i love you,” he muttered softly.

but i knew the truth. i knew.

he could never know of love. wasn’t built for it, wasn’t made that way.
love was a weakness, one he would never allow of himself.

i knew.