You turn away. i can practically see the sunlight fading from you eyes. Still i am debating if we even inhabit the same world.

i would like to be someone better. Mainly for you. Myself- that seems lost a long time ago. it doesn’t hold. the Lilacs sing sweetly. it’s something insanely cathartic. A song you’d forgotten but still know the words to.

i am a machine sometimes it would seem. Having grown so accustomed to that pathetic method of escape. the poison tricks me, it’s different every time. sometimes i’m happy. the self-conscious shell around me fades for awhile. But more often, i find myself sad. it’s my fault. i blame no one else. sometimes i think i was born sad. it’s selfish, unnecessary, ridiculous. But it’s something i’ve been trying to cut out of me for a long time.

i’m sure someone’s dying right now. this thought alone makes me feel selfish in itself. i don’t want to die. it’s just that a lot of the time i want to be somebody different. i’m an angry person, deep down. i’m needy & it’s not a good thing. i love a boy. For so long, that’s all i wanted. To find a boy to understand me, love me. Know how it feels to feel this way. But i am a virus.

i’m contaminating him, too.